Sad News from “The Onion”

The God Project Dot Net generally pays no attention to news — our mind traverses infinite planes of timeless, formless non-space where God Itself is said to dwell — but we do sometimes pulse check the mundane, temporal world of our readers in “America’s Finest News Source,” aka The Onion.

And this week we learned that “Inspiring Cat Overcomes Prejudice To Win Westminster Dog Show.” Wow — that’s some cat! But then our misty eyes drifted upward and were devastated to espy this banner headline:

NASA COMPLETES 52-YEAR MISSION TO FIND, KILL GOD

Oh, no! Our own mission over, before we’d even scratched the Middle Ages. Reliable sources prove that yes, there was a God, but that It is now dead, murdered by NASA. Nietzsche was not a syphilitic little hypocrite but a Prophet. RIP, GOD. Alas.

The report reads, in part:

WASHINGTON — After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.

“I am ecstatic to tell you all today that we have beheld the awesome visage of the supreme architect of the cosmos, and we have murdered Him,” jubilant administrator Charles Bolden said after being drenched with champagne by other celebrating NASA employees.

Double alas, friends. And woe.

“He was damn fast. And strong — as strong as anyone I’ve ever engaged,” said Captain Trevor Sullivan, the astronaut whose weary team dragged a bloodied and beaten God back to the lunar module. “He fought like a wild animal, and the fact that He’s omnipotent really worked against us.”

And now what? I’ve got it! We will reinvent ourselves as The Flock of Seagulls Project Dot Net — and rededicate ourselves to a tireless intellectual search for the reality and meaning of that great ’80s New Wave power quartet.

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One response to “Sad News from “The Onion”

  1. “We will reinvent ourselves as The Flock of Seagulls Project Dot Net — and rededicate ourselves to a tireless intellectual search for the reality and meaning of that great ’80s New Wave power quartet.”

    HA! I would run so far away!

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