“This Is Hell”

Last week, Time magazine ran a cover story asking: “What If There Is No Hell?” Having grown up near Detroit, I represent that remark. But enough about me — what do you think of my inerrant faith that modern Americans are disarmingly ignorant of theology or the elementary history of their own (supposed) faith?

Screw your heads back on, sinners! Here’s a list off the top of my head of things you probably didn’t know but anyone who’s read an encyclopedia entry titled “Christianity” would:

  • There is no “Hell” in the Old Testament (i.e., Hebrew Bible)
  • New Testament “Hell” looks more like some kind of Purgatory or waiting room
  • The idea that in “Hell” our bodies live in eternal, roasting pain was invented in the year 400 by Augustine (see “City of God,” Book XX)
  • The idea that we have “Souls” that live after our bodies die was imported into Christianity from Plato
  • Again: There are no “Souls” in the Bible
  • Paul made it absolutely clear that his message was for everyone — even though a lot of Jesus’ original disciples wanted to keep it only for Jews (see Galatians)
  • Jesus did not claim he was God
  • Jesus thought the end of the world was coming in a few years
  • So did Paul
  • The “Holy Spirit” perplexed the early Christians — it’s not obvious from the scriptures this thing is the same as God
  • There is no “Trinity” in the New Testament
  • There is no “Incarnation” in the New Testament — that is, it’s not obvious Jesus is fully man and fully God (most early Christians thought he was more one or the other)
  • Jesus didn’t really establish a church; early Christians (including Paul) didn’t think they needed a church
  • There are no bishops, cardinals, monks, nuns or popes in the Bible
  • Jesus was not a CEO, entrepreneur or American capitalist — in fact, it’s pretty clear he hated the rich
  • Jesus was a socialist
  • Jesus was a Jew — he was born and died a Jew
  • He had no idea he was founding a new religion — his message was entirely delivered to Jews to prepare them for the coming judgment
  • Jesus did not believe in “family values” — he recommended that people leave their families and follow him
  • Jesus was a Middle Eastern male who looked a lot more like a modern Iraqi than a modern American

There’s more, but let’s stop there. Peace.


3 responses to ““This Is Hell”

  1. “Having grown up near Detroit, I represent that remark!” HA!

    As a Detroit survivor, I though you might enjoy this sketch from the Kentucky Fried Movie…

  2. hah! I love that movie — thanks for sharing — brings back post-traumatic flashbacks of my high school years

  3. Yes I do Many feel or believe that fidning a treasure of great monetary value is best, but to me? Finding treasures that give me wisdom, discernment and knowledge are of the greatest advantage. And I imagine one of the if not THE wealthiest humans that ever lived this Earth felt the same way, since when God asked him what was of most value or what he wanted he chose wisdom ” I want the treasures that give peace .. No earthly wealth of any kind can do that, and if one came close? It would be passing away We know exactly where spiritual treasures can be found. God’s word, like a treasure map, points us to the precise place where we will be able to find the treasures that God promised. Referring to the Christ, the apostle Paul wrote: Carefully concealed in him are all the treasures of wisdom and of knowledge The Watchtower July 15, 2009 page 3

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