Name That Failed Doomsayer!

Welcome back, sinners! It’s Memorial Day weekend — so let’s play “Name That Failed Doomsayer!

Match the Pseudo-Prophecies below to their Pseudo-Prophets and win valuable (spiritual) prizes!

Here are three actual calculations for the END TIMES that were widely believed by tens of thousands of credulous Americans:

  1. Daniel 8:14 says the “sanctuary” will be “cleansed” after “two thousand and three hundred days.” This cleansing is the Second Coming of Christ. 2,300 days = 2,300 years. When do we start our clocks? When the Jerusalem Temple was rebuilt. Ezra tells us this happened in the 7th year of the reign of King Artaxerxes I of Persia, which was 457 B.C. Add 2,300 years to 457 B.C. and you get: 1843! (Later revised to 1844! because this prophet — like so many — forgot there was no calendar Year 0.)
  2. In Matthew 24:32-34, Jesus says that a fig tree “puts forth its leaves” in summer. Then he makes his famous apocalyptic statement that “this generation will not pass away until all these things take place.” Now, the “fig tree” = Israel. The modern state of Israel put forth its leaves (= was founded) in 1948. One generation = 40 years. 1948 + 40 years = 1988! (Later revised to 1989! because this prophet forgot there was no Year 0, apparently not noticing the error does not affect this particular calculation.)
  3. Jesus was crucified on April 1, 33 A.D. The Bible has three highly symbolic numbers — namely, 5, 10 and 17. Number 5 = atonement, demonstrated by the phrase “five shekels” in Numbers 3:47. Number 10 = completeness, shown by Revelation 20:2 where Satan is described as being “bound 1,000 years” (10-cubed is apparently even more “complete” than plain 10). And 17 = “Heaven” as revealed by the 1980’s New Wave power trio Heaven 17, I mean, by Jeremiah 32:9 where the prophet is told to buy a field for “17 shekels.” And of course, the Bible often repeats things for emphasis. So we see that (5x10x17) x (5x10x17) = 722,500. Add 722,500 days to the date of the crucifixion and you get … May 21, 2011! (Later revised to October 21, 2011! for reasons we’ll get into tomorrow.)

These publicly failed prophets are:

  1. William Miller, founder of the Millerites, a sect whose direct offshoots include Seventh Day Adventists and Branch Davidians.
  2. Edgar Whisenant, NASA engineer and million-selling author of the pamphlet “88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Occur in 1988“.
  3. Howard Camping, unrepentant Doomsayer who has reached millions through his long-running radio ministry.
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